


Endure the Darkness

by dragons_and_angels



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Space, Amnesia, Brainwashing, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, M/M, Memory Alteration, Spaceships, Team Dynamics, Torture, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-08-03 12:22:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16326155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragons_and_angels/pseuds/dragons_and_angels
Summary: Steve doesn't realise he's missing something important until a chance encounter with a Hydra ship.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Space](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/424982) by Sami Kelsh. 
  * Inspired by [Bucky In Cryo](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/424985) by Fannish Love. 
  * Inspired by [Banner](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/424988) by Fannish Love. 



> Thank you so much to my beta for their hard work and my two artists who have been amazing! Please check their art out at the links, it's so good!

Steve's favourite place in the world was on the bridge of his ship, the _America_. It had a panoramic window so Steve could stand in the centre and be surrounded by the stars, millions of them in the inky blackness of space. Some people felt small and insignificant when looking at the sheer breadth of space but Steve revelled in it. Space meant possibility.

Inside the ship were his crew. A five-man band, his crew were his family, especially since his Ma had died, but sometimes he appreciated the solitude of space.

Right now, though, he wasn’t alone. Sam and Wanda had started a card game near the back of the bridge a little over an hour ago. Wanda had been winning until she went down to the engine room to check on the ship’s beating heart, something which was more habit than necessity now Steve had converted the lowest deck of the _America_ to fuel storage and allievated her fears about being stranded in space. Either way, Natasha had taken the opportunity to pick up Wanda’s half of the game.

"You have got to be cheating," Sam said flatly to Natasha at the back of the room. Natasha laughed at him, her teeth flashing in the dim light and the red of her hair catching the light of the dashboard. 

"Maybe you're just crap at this game," Natasha retorted as she gathered up her winnings, a motley collection of credits, packaged food and a napkin with something scribbled on it. “I intend to call on this favour soon.” She waved the napkin in his face.

"I demand a rematch." Sam started to shuffle the holocards, preferring to do it the old-fashioned way rather than getting the computer to shuffle them. Nat stood up and waved a hand at him.

"I'll kick your ass later, right now the Captain is giving me the evil eye."

Steve protested out of habit, though Nat's smile made it obvious she was joking. "I think I can handle my ship for a card game, I'm not giving you any looks."

"Oh Captain, my Captain," Nat muttered as she sat down in her usual seat, decorated with the red and white flowers she admired so much.

"You know the captain dies in that poem, right?" Sam spoke up from the back but didn't wait for an answer before he gestured to Steve with the holocards. "Want to play, Steve?"

Just as Steve was about to decline, Nat interrupted, all traces of amusement gone from her voice. "Steve, I'm picking up a ship in close proximity."

"What kind of ship?" Steve moved towards Nat's chair, scanning the instruments in front of her though he knew she would be seeing something he couldn't. He could fly his own ship but Nat had adjusted everything in such a way that made sense only to her and he couldn't read everything at a glance like she could.

"They have their own shield, not as good as ours of course, but enough that it fooled our scanners until now," Nat said as she twisted the ship's controls and they started to turn around. Steve could hear Sam taking his own seat and hailing Wanda to get ready in case they had to move.

"If their shields are as good as ours..." Steve didn't want it to be them but his worst fears were confirmed when Natasha looked up at him.

"Hydra." Her voice was hard and unyielding but when she looked up at Steve, it looked like she was hoping he would tell her otherwise. Every single member of the crew had bad experiences with the criminal group but Steve and Natasha were the only two who had unwittingly worked for Hydra under its cover of SHIELD. Of the two of them, Natasha was the one most familiar with the lengths Hydra would go.

"With our shield, it's unlikely they'll ever know we're here," Sam said, the voice of reason over Steve and Natasha's trepidation. "Are we going after them?"

The ship turned around and Hydra's ship came into view. Easily three times larger than the _America_ ; Steve clenched his jaw as he saw Hydra's logo painted on the hull. A many-legged creature, ugly and fearsome, and a symbol that haunted Steve's dreams. He wasn't objective when it came to Hydra and he knew it too.

"Get Wanda on the line. This will be a unanimous decision." It would be Sam, Nat and Steve going onto the Hydra ship if they boarded it, but Wanda was part of the crew all the same and when facing Hydra, there was always a risk of death.

Sam hailed Wanda again and her voice crackled over the airwaves. "What are we facing?"

"Hydra," Steve said, not beating around the bush. "Ship in front of us. They don't know we're here and chances are, if we let them go, they won't ever know we're here."

"But you don't want to let them go," Wanda finished for him. Steve might feel bad about being so predictable but it did make things easier when his team knew what he was going to say before he said it. "I don't want to let them go either, Captain."

"Wanda, the risks of getting into a fight are far greater than running away." Steve wanted to make sure the whole crew knew exactly what they were getting into. Steve didn't like running away; it went against everything he believed in, but this wasn't just his decision to make.

"You say this like we all don't want to blow up a Hydra ship or two," Sam said.

"A whole fleet in my case."

"Not everything is a competition, Natasha," Sam shot back. "Anyway, I'm in to take on Hydra if you guys are. The more damage we can do to them the better, and that is what we're travelling around for after all."

"There's the whole exploring space thing as well," Natasha said pointedly but nodded at Steve. "I'm in."

"Me too," Wanda said over the radio.

"Alright then." Steve felt like everything was sharper, more controlled as his body filled with adrenaline. "First things first, how are we going to get onto the ship?"

The three of them turned to look at the Hydra ship. It was smooth, black metal with tiny pinpricks of light coming from the windows. The America was trailing it now, staying just out of scanning range and the Hydra ship was carrying on, none the wiser.

"I know this isn't something you're very good at, Steve," Nat said, "but we're going to have to be very sneaky. The more Hydra soldiers we can take out before the alarm is raised the better."

"I don't know what you're talking about, I'm very sneaky," Steve said, still staring at the ship. "What about the Fury plan?"

"I don't like it," Sam said flatly.

"It'll work though," Nat pointed out.

"Oh, I agree with that. I just disagree with any plan that involves me crawling around a Hydra ship on the outside."

"It'll be fine and it's our best shot."  


***  


Two hours later, Steve was inside the Hydra ship in the crawl space underneath the walkway. It was cramped and hot and everytime he heard someone walking above him, he had to put his face down in the floor and trust in his suit being able to camouflage his body enough not to be seen through the grill. The Fury plan was all about attacking from as many different angles as possible and staying undetected while doing it.

There were another set of footsteps above him and Steve froze before he looked down at the ground underneath, trying not to look too hard at the dirt and dust mites he was crawling on.

The footsteps stopped - right above his head. "How far is it?" The voice was unfamiliar to him but Steve recognised the man who answered, and had to grit his teeth against the urge to burst out of the crawl space ahead of time just for the pleasure of punching Rumlow in the face. Instead he concentrated on keeping his breathing as quiet as possible; Nat would be so proud.

"We're two days out," Rumlow said. "What's the matter, Harris? Space travel not agreeing with you?" Rumlow sounded amused, laughing at this Harris no doubt.

"Space travel I'm fine with but doesn't it freak you out?" Harris sounded worried. "Sharing the ship with that thing."

"The Asset is useful, far more useful than you." There was a note of warning in Rumlow's tone. "It took a lot to make him so obedient; the only people who need to worry about the Asset are our enemies. And you're not our enemy, Harris."

"No, sir." Harris fell silent for a moment but neither he nor Rumlow moved on. "Some say the Asset is more machine than biological."

"Some say?" Rumlow sounded amused again. "Rest assured, the Asset is human for all the good it did him." Steve's ears pricked at this and he was tempted to raise his head, instinct to be able to hear better. He hadn't heard about this 'Asset' before in Hydra and wondered why it had been so well hidden if he was that useful. Even when Hydra was part of the Shield, hidden from the public and half of the police, and Rumlow and Steve worked side by side, he never heard any hint of the Asset. Secrets upon secrets, it was what Hydra was best known for.

"It's weird to think of him frozen in the basement though," Harris said.

"Try not to think about it." Rumlow laughed and there was a shuffling sound above Steve before the footsteps continued on. He gave it another couple of minutes just to make sure they were gone before moving again, this time with a new destination in mind. He didn't know much about this Asset person but he sounded like it was better if he wasn't in Hydra's hands.

"Alright, Steve." Nat's voice over his comm unit almost made him startle with how far into his thoughts he was. "Sam and I are in position."

"New plan," Steve said quietly as he moved down the crawl space. "Hydra has a prisoner frozen in the basement. We take out as many of them as we can, get this prisoner, and get back to our ship."

"It's a good thing I already laid the bombs then," Nat replied wryly. She didn't sound at all surprised but Sam more than made up for that.

"Wait, did you say they have a prisoner frozen?" Sam sounded like he was reconsidering this whole mission.

"And we can't leave him there."

"Of course we can't." Sam sounded resigned. "Well, good news is, I'll pulled up the ship's roster, or rather Wanda's wonderful machine did, and this ship is on a skeleton crew. Twenty-five crew members, although your frozen boy isn't included in this."

Steve got to the end of the crawl space and, as quietly as possible, leveraged himself out. The walkway was deserted and Steve made sure his shield was attached to his arm. The shield was specially designed piece of engineering by Tony and T'Challa (after many, many fights over who got to make it) that attached to his arm and appeared when he had need of it. Steve didn't like weapons, despite his skill in using them, but there was something about a shield being his main line of defence that appealed to him.

The main part of this plan was to take out as many Hydra soldiers before the alarm was raised but when it was, Steve was to draw as much fire as possible in order to get Nat and Sam to make sure the ship was unable to follow them without some serious renovations. Steve was never a fan of blowing up a ship completely, something Nat would do quite happily to any Hydra ship, but he was happy to leave them stranded in space. Sam liked to point out if he was to die, he would prefer a quick death by explosion rather than a slow death of starvation.

A Hydra soldier, young with truly terrible facial hair, came around the corner and looked stunned to see Steve standing there. He opened his mouth, likely to shout for help, and Steve knocked him out with his shield before tying him up and shoving him into the crawl space. He neglected a gag, knowing the guy would never be found otherwise but left him face down on the floor.

The next two Hydra soldiers were just as easily dealt with and Sam's voice came in his ear, reporting he had taken out three himself. Nat sounded gloating as she pointed out that her count was five and that was when she was uploading a virus to the ship's mainframe herself. While Sam was bickering with her, Steve headed down a flight of stairs, preferring to avoid the elevator altogether.

It was a spaceship so it made sense that each floor would have equal lightning but the bottom floor of the ship, as indicated by the plans stuck helpfully on the wall, felt dark and somehow grimy. There was no one around and Steve's footsteps echoed despite how quiet he was trying to be. He took a few moments to look in every room, they seemed to be store rooms of some kind and all were empty of people or sentient beings at all.

"Well, this is creepy," Steve whispered to himself as he opened the third empty storeroom. It was filled with boxes and all of them seemed incredibly dusty. On the America he just stored things in the hold when he was transporting cargo and anything else was being used constantly. It wasn't like there was a lot of room on spaceships to have wasted space, everything was used otherwise it was left behind, so why was Hydra ignoring this? Arrogance? A dislike for following the rules even if they made sense? Or was there a more sinister reason?

The next door Steve opened was the second to last from the end of the corridor and he instantly knew this room was different. It was twice the size of the other rooms for one and it looked like it had been dusted sometime in the last century. Steve walked in, shield in front of him just in case but it was as empty of people as the others. He turned around one stack of boxes and then immediately halted.

A huge metal box, resembling a coffin more than anything else, was up against the wall Steve was staring at - but that wasn't the most surprising thing. There was a small port window in the front of the box and he could see a man's face through it. He approached, dropping his shield arm completely in his eagerness to see more of the man's face. He looked so familiar, like his name was on the tip of Steve's tongue, and there was something about the slack muscles of his face that pushed at Steve. He suddenly thought of his Ma, though he didn't know why, and the knowledge, the certainty, that she loved this man as a second son.

Steve took a step back, completely freaked out at his thoughts. This man was a complete stranger to him and yet he was already thinking Sarah Rogers loved him like another son? It was too much, he couldn't deal with this. He didn't have time to worry about it though for an alarm started to go off above his head.

"That would be my bad," Sam said, tone apologetic. "But, good news is I took out five of these fuckers while setting off that alarm."

"I might have preferred the five of them walking around and no alarm," Nat replied dryly.

"I found the prisoner in the basement," Steve said, interrupting their affectionate bickering. All noise on the comms stopped. "He's in some sort of cryo chamber and it looks like it would be too heavy to get out under a time crunch. Sam?"

Sam instantly knew what he was asking. "Normally I would say that any patient in cryo needs to be woken slowly at the risk of causing cell damage." There was a grunt and some shuffling from Sam's end and Steve waited patiently until he had finished dealing with the Hydra soldier. "Stay down!" Sam commanded to someone on his end. "Anyway, yes, ideal would be unfrozen slowly but this is not the ideal and it sounds like it would be best if we took the guy with us. Steve, you wrap him in something and carry him out of here. He won't wake up anytime soon and the sooner I can get him into the medical room, the better."

Steve looked at the man in the freezer and nodded, coming to a decision. He may not know the man but he couldn't leave him here; that much he knew about himself. Whatever questions he had could wait until they were back on the America and safe.

"We're coming out," Steve said.

"I'm good to go," Nat said. "Virus is uploaded, oh wait, there's some Hydra idiots." Muffled sounds of fighting on her end and Steve listened to her taunts with half an ear. Most of his concentration was focused on the lock in front of him, seeing the best angle to knock it off. With a short, sharp slice with the shield, the lock snapped in two and Steve was able to swing the door open.

The man was broader than he had looked through the window and yet there was something vulnerable about him. Steve wondered if it was how his expression was slack in sleep, he didn't normally face his enemies or prisoners of his enemies when they were sleeping. The man was handsome, Steve was a little embarrassed to note, with shoulder length brown hair, wide shoulders and what looked like a solid metal arm.

"Well, that's not something you see every day," Steve said to himself as he eyed it for a second. If the man woke up and thought Steve a hostile, he would be in the perfect position to strangle Steve with that arm. However, considering there was no other alternative, Steve picked up one of the dust covers thrown over the other boxes in the storage room and wrapped the man up. He was freezing, like a block of ice underneath Steve's hands but at least he was malleable enough that Steve could throw him over his shoulder. The worst thing he could think of was accidentally knocking the man while running and one of his fingers or toes being knocked off.

A urgent shout from outside the store room had Steve hasten himself up, pulling the man over his shoulders as he turned to face the door.

The Hydra soldier did not look happy to see Steve, nor was he impressed when a pale blue shield headed straight into his face. Steve readjusted the man over one shoulder, stepped over his unconscious body and looked carefully up and down the long hallway before stepping out.

"You know, your weight is throwing my aim off," he said quietly to the unconscious man over his shoulder.

"Wow, Rogers, I didn't think you even remembered him." Rumlow's voice echoing down the hallway was the last one Steve wanted to hear right now but his words were a direct hit in between his shoulder blades. Something more was going on here, with how he had almost recognised the man, and Rumlow knew it. He turned around, face set into as blank an expression as possible. He didn't want to give Rumlow the satisfaction of knowing he had gotten to him but Rumlow knew him too well to fall for it. "You don't remember him? So, what? You're a goody goody about everyone?"

"Yes, I do like to stop people getting hurt, especially by Hydra." Steve shifted his weight, ready to throw his shield, but had to duck behind it when Rumlow took the opportunity to shoot him. There hadn't been a Hydra gun which could get through Steve's shield and thankfully today wasn't going to be the day when this streak was broken.

"Come on, Steve, we have to go," Sam's voice came over the radio in his ear and Steve halted before he took a step towards Rumlow. As much as he would like to punch Rumlow in the face, and he really wanted to, he had to think about his crew and the unconscious man over his shoulder.

Rumlow started to shoot him in earnest and Steve, knowing Rumlow was standing in between him and the door, threw his shield at the light overhead, plunging them into darkness. Rumlow stopped firing for a second in surprise and Steve moved as quickly down the hallway as he could. He slammed into Rumlow, throwing him against the wall. Pushing him to the side, Steve was heading up the stairs before Rumlow could regain his balance.

There was a burning sensation along his side as one of Rumlow's shots skimmed close enough to burn him but didn't make direct contact. He made it to the top of the stairs without further incident and had to use his shield as a battering ram again when Hydra soldiers got in the way of him and the exit.

"He's got the Asset!" someone cried and Steve slammed his shield into the man's throat without hesitation, cutting off the shout before it got any further.

The _America_ was docked at the back of the Hydra ship and as soon as Steve was on board, he could hear the ship's loading door coming down and it detaching from the Hydra ship.

"Get us out of here, Nat," Steve shouted as he barrelled towards Sam's medical room.


	2. Chapter 2

As soon as he dropped the man off, Steve headed up to the deck to assist Nat and Sam with detaching themselves from Hydra. The ship was unable to follow them, thanks to Nat's virus, but regrettably, they still had use of their weapons.

"Why didn't you disable their guns?" Sam yelled as he frantically tried to raise the shields, for both cloaking and protection purposes.

"Everyone's a critic," Nat called back as she manoeuvred the ship gracefully in space. They were in a dead zone right now and had to head for a more populous area of space. The fastest way to hide from Hydra was in plain sight.

"Where's our frozen Hydra prisoner?" Sam asked as he worked. Steve, firing back at the Hydra ship with deadly accuracy, paused briefly in what he was doing.

"He's in your room. The medical room," he added before Sam could raise Hell.

"Alone?" Sam asked and Steve could hear the raised eyebrows in his voice even if he couldn't see them right now.

They were far enough away from the Hydra ship, out of range of its guns, and everyone started to relax, though they didn’t move away from their stations.

"Steve, I found some stuff about this Asset when I was hacking into the ship's mainframe," Nat said.

"You brought this information with you right?" Sam asked, interrupting whatever Steve was going to say. "It would really help me to have an idea of what funky stuff Hydra has done so I know if I can help him."

"Of course I have," Nat replied calmly because gathering information was something she did, especially when it was information her enemies didn't want her to have.

"What about him?" Steve asked, almost dreading what Nat was going to say but wanting to hear it anyway.

"He's a assassin," Nat replied bluntly, turning away from the view window to look at Steve. "A ghost, who's also known as the Winter Soldier." Steve froze and Sam looked up.

"We've heard that name before," Sam said quietly.

Steve felt something in revolt at the idea that the man in Sam's medical room was a danger to him, that he killed people for Hydra. "You didn't hear what Rumlow said about him. Whatever he is, it isn't voluntary, if the cryo tube wasn't a hint enough."

"Or he was such a danger that they had to freeze him when they didn't need him." Sam stood up. "No use sitting around here chatting about him, it's time to go and find out."

"Sam, I can go with you - " Steve's words were cut off when Wanda hailed him over the radio.

"Captain, we have a problem."

"Go, Steve. I have Nat and she's far scarier than you." Sam gently pushed him towards the door and Steve went reluctantly, because he was the Captain before he was anything else.

Wanda had pushed the engines to the absolute limit and she needed help stablising them enough that they didn't die without a few light-years of their destination. When he had become Captain, Steve had made sure he had a working understanding of all the crew jobs so he could assist as needed. He wouldn't be able to take over completely, Sam, Wanda and Nat were the best at what they did and he had picked them for his crew for a reason, but he needed to be able to understand why things went wrong when they went wrong.

"What's our prisoner like?" Wanda asked as the frantic cooling turned to slower, more steady work.

"I don't know, I haven't seen him." Steve hadn't told anyone what Rumlow had said on the ship. He was sure that they were all say that Rumlow was trying to get into his head, but that didn't explain why Steve felt what he did around the stranger. He knew he could be trusted, the same way he knew Rumlow had been right, he had known the man before.

But why couldn't he remember him now?

"I think I've got it from here, Captain," Wanda said, sensing his distraction. "Go and check on our new guest."

Steve took the excuse but he didn't head straight to Sam's room. His feet carried him up to the deck but when he appeared, Nat looked unsurprised to see him. "Do you think I did the right thing, Nat? By bringing him here?"

Nat shrugged as she flipped one of the switch. "I don't have psychic powers, I won't be able to tell you whether it was a mistake or not." That did not make Steve feel better and he sat down heavily in the co-pilot's seat. Nat glanced at him and sighed. "I think you're right though, in that the man probably wasn't there willingly. If he causes problems, we can take him to Fury and let him decide what to do with him."

Everything in Steve revolted at the very idea but he didn't know why and it was frustrating him. He nodded because that was what he was supposed to do, that was the logical decision to make, but he didn't say he would prefer to drop the man off on an inhabited planet before he handed him over to Fury.

"Steve, he's awake." Sam's message came crackling through over the radio and Steve felt his pulse jump. They were going to find out who their frozen mystery man was - and why he felt so familiar to Steve. He glanced over at Nat and got the nod of approval. She could fly the ship blindfolded and one arm tied behind her back but she still liked to be asked before being abandoned at the controls.

The sounds of the ship were normally comforting but right now, Steve was too wound up to relax. Every step he took closer to the medical room was filled with expectation. It took everything in him to keep a straight face as he approached the room, Sam stood outside the partially closed door. "Wanda is in there now," Sam said without looking up. "She came looking for you and he seems uncomfortable with me. I don't know whether it's the fact I'm a man or me being older but he seems to consider Wanda less of a threat. He doesn't seem violent at all and is obeying all my instructions so no brain damage is immediately apparent." He finished scanning the holopad in front of him and looked up. His eyes made Steve flinch. "Whatever Hydra did to him left scars. A lot of them."

"Even if he wasn't there by his own free choice, he could still be dangerous," Steve said, not wanting to play devil's advocate but having no choice. Everyone was following his lead on this one and he would hate for one of them to get hurt because of the decision Steve made that he wasn't even entirely sure of yet.

"He doesn't seem to remember a lot when I asked him so there is a very good chance Hydra messed around in his head so brainwashing is a definite possibility."

With that cheerful finisher, Sam patted Steve on the shoulder and stepped aside to let him into the room. Steve went into the medical room and was greeted by the sight of their unintentional passenger and Wanda bent over a card game. The man raised his head and Steve was able to notice a pair of pretty blue eyes before he was captured by the expression on the man's face. Relief, happiness and, most strangely of all, recognition.

"Steve!" The man said, scrambling to get out of bed, uncaring of the card game he was disrupting. Wanda didn't seem too upset, she was too busy gaping at the pair of them, especially when the man pulled Steve into an easy hug. Steve found it hard to hug people he didn't know really, really well but this man's hug felt as familiar as home to him. "I'm so glad I found you, I thought they had got you for sure." The man's voice broke halfway through and, acting on instinct, Steve pulled him closer. He looked up to see Sam and Wanda staring at him, identical looks of surprise on their face.

"Got me?" Steve asked, not sure what part to address first. The man pushed his face into Steve's shoulder and he rubbed a soothing hand up and down his back. Sam made faces at him behind the man's back and Steve shook his head at his unspoken question. No, he had no idea what was going on either.

"My head is so messed up," the man said, his voice muffled against Steve's shoulder but still perfectly audible. "They kept giving me the drugs and they would put me in the chair and I would forget... but I always remembered. Steve, I think I did horrible things."

Steve didn't know how to respond to that. 

"Right," Sam said when it looked like no one else was going to say anything. "So I think I speak for everyone when I say I have no idea what is going on."

"Nat, you're not going to want to miss this," Wanda said in a low voice over the radio. Nat could be heard putting the scanners and autopilot of the ship on before heading downwards towards them. Steve grimaced. This was horribly confusing and he didn't think it was going to get much better.

"Come on, let's sit down." Steve coaxed the man back into sitting on the bed but he seemed reluctant to let go of Steve, not taking his eyes off him for a second. When Sam or Wanda moved, his eyelids would flicker as if he was taking note of their new positions but he wouldn't stop looking at Steve.

"I can't believe you're here and you're okay," the man said just as Nat walked through the door. Her eyebrows went up but Steve couldn't focus on that because the man was smiling and his smile took Steve's breath away.

"Er... I'm not sure how to say this," Steve said, dropping his gaze away from the other man's in guilt but he saw that beautiful smile fade.

"What's going on?" The man looked between the four of them.

"Steve doesn't remember you," Nat said bluntly. Steve shot her a glare but she shrugged back at him. "You were going to beat around the bush forever and it would have just freaked him out."

"What? What do you mean you don't remember me?" The man's hand, the flesh one, tightened on Steve's arm but not enough to hurt, only firmly enough for Steve to know he was there. When he was younger, people had treated him so delicately because of his many illnesses - everyone apart from his Ma and.... The name escaped him and Steve shook himself, returning to what was going on right now.

"You feel familiar but I don't remember anything about you." The man looked about as miserable as Steve felt. "I don't even know your name."

"Do you know it?" Sam asked, as blunt as Nat had been. The man looked at him, his eyebrows drawing together in something which seemed like part confusion and part anger. "You said Hydra messed around in your head a lot and you forgot things. What's your name?"

The man ignored Sam's question, choosing instead to look at Steve. "You really don't remember me?"

Right now, Steve would give everything to say yes, of course he remembered him, but a lie would be worse here. "I'm sorry. No."

The man sighed and leaned back against the bed, letting go of Steve's arm and he immediately felt the loss. "My name is Bucky. It's short for something but I don't know what. You're right, Hydra messed up my head so badly that my memory is like a leaky sieve."

"Your name is Bucky?" Nat sounded like she was about to burst into laughter and Bucky narrowed his eyes at her.

"Oh what do you know, you change your name more than I change my socks, _Natalia_." As soon as the words were snapped out, Bucky got a strange look on his face. "I have no idea where that came from." Steve turned to ask Nat what that was about but saw she had gone stark white.

"Nat?" Sam asked, sounding worried.

"How did you know that?" She moved closer, her body language tense and threatening. Bucky levered himself up from the bed slowly and eyed her warily. " _How did you know that?_ " She was almost shouting now and Steve had never seen Natasha lose her temper like this before.

"I don't know, alright?" Bucky snapped back.

"Alright then, this room is too small for you to fight in," Sam said, his voice a calming influence not just on Steve. He had stepped in between Nat and Bucky, breaking off their eye contact. "Let me get this straight. You, Bucky, were captured at Hydra at one point and they went heavy on the memory wipes and brainwashing. You know stuff about Nat's past that she's not entirely sure about herself." Nat and Bucky nodded, both tense, though a lot calmer. "Steve doesn't remember Bucky but Bucky remembers him."

"How do you not remember me?" Bucky asked and he just sounded so broken that Steve wished he could pull him into a hug.

"You feel familiar and when I saw you in the cryo chamber, I had this thought about Ma liking you, but I don't know why." Steve really didn't like this at all. He was always in control and this wasn't helped by his own brain working against him. He was starting to get a headache and he rarely got them after Dr Erksine and his miracle experiments.

"Your Ma liked me?" Bucky asked, a faint drawl coming into his voice. "I always thought she thought I was no good."

"No, she said she couldn't have asked for a better friend for me than you," Steve replied, mostly on autopilot before he froze in place. "How did I know that?" He asked a stunned Bucky.

"It seems that Bucky isn't the only one who has had their memory tampered with," Wanda said quietly. She had stood up from her chair next to Bucky's bed but had simply been watching the proceedings from the corner.

"But why make me forget Bucky?" Steve shifted nearer, wanting the closeness though he still didn't know why. "We were friends right?" If his Ma had known Bucky, then they must have been good friends.

"Best friends." Bucky got this goofy smile on his face and Steve automatically returned it.

"Well, look at this way. If I was captured by Hydra, would you do anything to get me out?" Sam asked and Steve turned to look at us. "If any of us were captured by Hydra, would you ever stop searching for us?"

"No," Steve replied automatically. He put a hand on Bucky's shoulder without looking, wanting the confirmation he wasn't with Hydra. He was safe and they were finding out exactly what was going on.

"In order for you to stop searching for Bucky, you would have to forget him," Sam pointed out in a reasonable tone but Bucky stiffened up beside Steve. He sat up straight.

"I thought you hadn't been captured by Hydra," Bucky said to Steve, more of a statement than a question. His hands were back on Steve, though these touches were far more clinical as if checking him over for hidden wounds.

"I wasn't," Steve answered as he met Nat's eyes. She had obviously come to the same conclusion as he had, for her expression was grim. "We worked for the Shield for a while."

Bucky looked confused when Steve glanced at him. "What's that got to do with anything?"

Sam sighed as realisation hit him too. "Hydra had infiltrated the Shield and was using their resources for their own ends."

"And they did a lot of medicals. I had to go under for surgery more than once." Steve felt like he wanted to throw up or break something. The thought of being unconscious on the table and having someone poke around in his head, removing his memories of his best friend so he wouldn't look for him, was almost more than he could bear. He glanced at Bucky and saw what he felt on the expression on his face.

"You were sad when we first met," Nat said suddenly, causing everyone to look at her but she was only looking at Steve. "You wouldn't tell me why, you didn't trust me right then. I went on a mission and when I came back, you were better. Still serious, still a little sad, but you didn't look like you wanted to rip the universe apart for simply existing anymore. When I found out about your mother I thought it was about that."

"My mother died two years before I started with the Shield and it hurt but that wasn't why." His headache was back and Steve rubbed his temple, wincing. There was a great big gap right where something was meant to be. "How did I not notice?"

"Steve." Bucky sounded worried and it was like Steve was programmed to respond to that tone of voice. "It's okay, don't try and push yourself."

"I want to remember." Steve shoved hard against the block in his mind, frustrated that Hydra had managed to ruin his life without him even knowing about it. Everything went black, just for a second, and Steve staggered and would have fallen if it wasn't for standing right next to the bed.

"You stubborn asshole." He could hear Bucky talking as if from a long way off and he dragged himself back up. It hurt and he felt more fragile than he ever remembered feeling since he had met Dr Erksine. Someone was helping him onto the bed and Steve lay down, wishing he had the strength to argue. As soon as his head was still, he felt like he was able to open his eyes without throwing up over everyone.

"Surprisingly enough, Steve." Sam was standing beside his bed taking Steve's pulse and giving him the evil eye. Bucky was on his other side, Steve's hand in between both of his and Nat and Wanda were at the bottom of his bed. "The brain does not like being forced into things. That big black spot in your memories? Don't push it."

"How did you know?" Steve asked. The world was still swimming and he felt like sleeping but he wanted to get those worried looks off his friends' faces first.

"Because you're not exactly unpredictable," Sam replied, now taking Steve's blood pressure. "Besides, I would have done the same if Hydra had made me forget Riley."

Steve gave Sam a grateful smile before letting his eyes slip close. "How bad is it?" he asked Sam.

"Well, you'll live but considering how low your blood pressure is compared to normal, I'm pretty sure you'll faint when you try to get up."

Steve felt like he had to protest against this. "I wouldn't." He shuffled as if he was going to get up off the bed and prove everyone wrong but all four of his friends reached out to stop him. Steve was secretly glad about it, he really didn't want to move his head right at this second but he felt like he had to keep up appearances.

"You stupid moron, only you would try that." Bucky sounded fond and Steve turned to give him a giddy smile. He was fading fast but at least he could go to sleep knowing Bucky was here.


	3. Chapter 3

Steve woke up to the sound of arguing. It was Bucky and Sam and they didn't sound like they were going to draw weapons anytime soon so Steve let himself relax and wake up slowly.  

"Look, apart from the general checks I need to do to make sure you're disease free, which I really should have done before I even let Wanda and Steve in to see you, you were taken out of cryo freeze very quickly and I have to make sure that hasn't done permanent damage." Sam sounded exasperated, a familiar sound when he was talking about anyone's health. The worst patient on the  _America_  was Natasha, but Steve was a close second. The first time Sam had realised something was going on, Natasha had tried to scare him off with way too much information about her menstruation cycle and sex life. Steve had thought his mother being a nurse had prepared him for everything but it turned out that Natasha was a breed of her own.  

"And I'm telling you I don't need a doctor." Bucky sounded hostile and cornered and Steve thought it was time to get up.  

"What's all the shoutin'?" He mumbled and tried to open his eyes, only to shut them again at the bright overhead light.  

"The lights are hurting him, turn them off," Bucky ordered and the lights went dim.  

"Do not boss me around in my own room, Bucky. I will kick you out if I have to," Sam warned as he approached Steve. He was a lot easier to look at than the dim lights behind him so Steve focused gratefully on his face.  

"Then how are you going to get a medical exam on me?" Bucky taunted Sam. Steve turned to frown at him, not liking his tone. He sounded like Bucky was afraid but he didn't have to talk to Sam as if he was an enemy. He sounded like Steve when he was talking to Rumlow.  

"You need a medical exam?" Steve asked, ignoring Sam as he took Steve's vital signs, all of his attention focused on Bucky.  

Bucky looked like he had just realised he had walked into a trap. "No, I don't, it's just Sam here sticking his nose where it doesn't belong." Steve examined Bucky closely, his mind working ten times a minute. He couldn't force Bucky to have a medical exam but Sam was right, they had no idea what Steve did by taking Bucky out of cryo freeze like that and he was pretty sure Bucky wouldn't say anything even if he was in pain.  

"You're right, Sam does tend to do that," Steve said brightly. Sam made an offended sound next to him but Steve ignored it, pushing himself to sitting. He felt dizzy and like he would pass out at any minute, not faint, thank you Sam, but he kept a smile on his face.  

"What do you think you're doing, Steve? Lie down." Bucky's hands fluttered over him but he didn't push Steve down for fear of hurting him, something which Steve had been counting on.  

"I'm fine, Bucky, I have to get back to work." Steve moved to the edge of the bed, wondering if he should try to stand up. He was taking it slowly because his head still hurt and he could see Bucky noticing.  

"You need to have a medical exam, Steve," Bucky said firmly. "Let Sam do his job."  

"Bucky, ever since I left the Shield, I have been under Sam's almost neurotic medical care." Steve ignored the protest Sam made and kept on staring at Bucky. "While you have been under Hydra's dubious care where the doctors were far more likely to experiment on you than actually heal you."  

"What's your point?" Bucky looked like he was trying to work out Steve's angle, his gaze flicking from Steve's face to where his hand was gripping the bedrail a shade too tight.  

"Well, if you don't need a medical exam, neither do I." Steve set his mouth in a firm line which his crew knew exactly what that meant and it seemed like Bucky did too.  

Realisation hit Bucky like a battleship. "You are such a punk!" He looked half exasperated, half admiring of what Steve had done.  

"Right back at you, jerk." Steve suddenly felt another wave of deja vu. They had argued like this before, him and Bucky and it was only confirmed when he saw how hopeful Bucky looked.  

"Well, I think you're both assholes," Sam said from the other side of the bed and Steve jerked out of his staring moment with Bucky. "If you both agree, I could do your medical exams while the other is here."  

"That'll be good," Steve said agreeably. "Bucky can go first." He moved to get off the bed.  

"Oh no, you're staying right there. If I do this, then you're going to stay lying down the whole time. Got it?" Bucky must have thought he looked threatening, looming over Steve with his arms crossed, but he just resembled a mother hen to Steve.  

"Alright then." Steve lay back down, carefully because he really didn't want to bang his head, even if it was only against the pillow. He moved his legs so Bucky could lie down and Sam came around to their side of the bed.  

"Right, Bucky, this exam is just going to be looking at your general health. The only invasive procedures I have to do is take some blood which I have to do the old-fashioned way thanks to Nat using my blood-drawing machine on a Hydra soldier." Bucky gave him a curious look and Sam waved it off. "Nevermind. I would have to take a skin swab, a cheek swab and do a few scans but if anything makes you really uncomfortable, and I mean reminding you of Hydra so much that you are likely to attack me, then let me know and we can adjust. If you ever want Steve to leave or you want to talk to me confidentially, we'll either shove Steve in a wheelchair out of the room or we can go talk in a private room. Anything you tell me will be confidential unless I feel like you are at risk of hurting others or yourself, though I have some leeway on the latter."  

Steve listened patiently. He had heard the spiel before, Sam gave it to every single person he helped outside of the crew but Bucky seemed to paying attention to every single word. "What do you mean leeway on the latter?" he asked cautiously.  

Steve stiffened, though he tried not to show it too much. Bucky was leaning against Steve's bed but his focus was on Sam and so Steve consciously relaxed his muscles. He wanted to ask why Bucky had asked that question but he really didn't want to be kicked out. If Bucky was happy for Steve to be here when he was asking this, then Steve wouldn't ask insensitive questions and cause him to retreat.  

"If you were going to cause yourself serious harm, then I would have to intervene. If you were self-harming yourself by controlled cutting or forcing yourself to train harder than your body could do, like frequently punching a bag until your knuckles bleed, then I would help you resolve it by putting you in contact with counsellors or therapists, but I wouldn't rush to tell the Captain because of it." Steve knew Sam wasn't looking at him but he avoided his eyes anyway. Steve liked to deal with his bad dreams by spending far too long with a punching bag in the rec room and Sam had more than once patched him up afterwards.  

"Alright, I think I got it." Still Bucky hesitated. "You want me to take my shirt off." A question that sounded more like a statement.  

"It would be easier to assess you but if it's a hard no for you, we can work around it," Sam said sympathetically. Bucky nodded jerkily and started to slow take off his shirt. "Another reason I wanted to do this exam is that I'm guessing Hydra wasn't big on keeping you up to date with your own medical history," Sam said. He had turned away from Bucky so he wasn't watching him strip off but Steve couldn't take his eyes away even if he wanted to. The shirt went on the floor and Steve moved his legs without a word so Bucky could sit on the bed.  

He didn't say anything, not when Bucky's shoulders were rounded as if waiting for a blow, but Steve was sure the sight of the scars, red and raw and painful looking, would be etched into his brain. There were the faded white scars on Bucky's back, whip marks if Steve was correct, the small circular burn scars, the gouges taken out of the skin underneath Bucky's ribs and the stretched pink scar that travelled down the bottom of Bucky's ribs to disappear beneath the top of his pants. Not to mention the twisted scarring at where his metal arm was attached to his body.  

Sam turned around but didn't seem phased by Bucky's appearance. Steve supposed after the time he had managed to get himself electrocuted, Sam felt like he had seen it all. Bucky's hand crept along the bed until it found Steve's and linked their fingers together. It was familiar, it was comfortable and, more than anything, Steve wish he could remember Bucky.  

"Now do you want me to talk or do you want me to stay silent?" Sam asked but Bucky didn't answer, preferring to keep his gaze fixed on the wall behind Sam. Steve really didn't look like the look on Bucky's face, like he was bracing himself against something he was sure would be painful and it seemed neither did Sam. "I'm going to need an answer here, Bucky," he said quietly. Bucky's eyes flicked over to Sam and then back to the wall again. "I could tell you about the time Steve threw himself onto a bomb," Sam said and that seemed to catch Bucky's attention.  

"What?" He asked slowly, incredulously.  

"How did you even know about that? You haven't even met Peggy," Steve protested but already Bucky was looking more in the moment, so it was hard to object too much.  

"Well, weird news travels fast," Sam replied before he turned back to Bucky. "Or I can tell you about the time Steve almost drove his ship into a black hole. Or the time he got electrocuted. Or the time he pushed off a spaceship with no thrusters or tether."  

Bucky now looked like he couldn't believe his ears and he turned to stare at Steve, barely blinking an eye when Sam fixed a blood pressure and heart monitor over his upper arm. "He's kidding, right, Steve?"  

"There was a very good explanation for everything," Steve said in what he thought was a very reasonable tone but Bucky closed his eyes, as if in physical pain. Sam was listening to his chest with the stethoscope and waving the handheld scanner over the join where his metal arm met flesh.  

"Yes, I've heard that before," Bucky muttered and Steve felt a pang in his chest. What kind of memories did Bucky have of the two of them that let him speak about Steve so familiarly?  

"It definitely wasn't as bad as Sam is making it sound," Steve tried to explain.  

"Oh, I forgot to mention the time we went to Asgard and Steve was the one who managed to find this ultra-rare virus that everyone thought was extinct." Sam smiled in response to Steve's glare and went back scanning the scarring on Bucky's shoulder. Bucky's hand was still gripping Steve's tightly and he was keeping Sam in his sight all the time, even when it seemed like he was looking away, but he was tolerating the exam well enough.  

"It's fine, you found the cure in time." Steve can't remember much about that time but he knew Sam would have pulled through no matter what.  

"That's only because Loki deigned to help me," Sam pointed out. "And you had already fallen into a coma."  

"The virus wasn't really my fault," Steve shot back.  

"I'll give you that." Sam straightened up. "I'm going to need to do your back, Bucky. Do you want to turn around or do you want me to go the other side of the bed?" Bucky tensed again but stood up and turned without a word, though he didn't let go of Steve's hand throughout. Sam didn't say anything about it, just merely continued with his scanning. "You remember how Steve was before?" Sam asked Bucky.  

"He was small and skinny." Bucky's voice didn't have the same light tone as Sam's but he was present enough to answer the question.  

"Now I got this story secondhand from Peggy, she was the leader of the basic training Steve went through." Sam's scanner beeped and he glanced at the screen before continuing without saying anything about it. "It was to help Doctor Erksine figure out who was going to be the recipient of his experimental procedure that was meant to cure all physical ills of the body and guarantee health and long life. For normal people, of course, not people who threw themselves into Hydra's path all the time."  

"Maybe you had the right idea in not doing medical exams," Steve muttered to Bucky and got a half-smile in reward.  

"Come on, punk, I need to get up to date with everything that's happened since I was gone." Bucky stiffened as Sam gave him a warning before placing the stethoscope on his back.  

"You don't need to know everything." Steve knew it was futile especially when Bucky got that gleam in his eye.  

"Explain to me the pushing off into space without thrusters or a tether." Bucky grinned at the look on Steve's face, although it wasn't a particularly nice grin.  

"Are you going to take off your pants so I can do your legs?" Sam asked as he waved his scanner in front of Bucky's nose.  

"Not a chance." Bucky shifted around so he was sitting back on the bed. "Can I put my shirt back on now?"  

"Just need to take blood and the swabs and then you're good to go." Sam busied himself with the equipment. "So, Steve doesn't know, but how did Hydra capture you?"  

Bucky's mood soured instantly and Steve forced himself to sit up, no matter how much it made his head swim. It was an awkward position to hug Bucky in so he just leaned against him, hoping the body heat was a comfort to him. "It was a routine mission. I had left Steve at home because this was before he got all big and stuff, so he would have been more likely to wheeze at a Hydra soldier than take him out." Steve huffed but didn't interrupt. "I was separated from the other Commandos and there was this doctor, Zola, who said I was the perfect specimen. Then everything went black and I ended up strapped to a table." Bucky's expression went blank and he got a strange look in his eye, an all too familiar one to Steve. The thousand-yard stare.  

Guilt twisted inside of Steve. If he hadn't put his trust in Hydra-as-SHIELD, of all people, then he would have known to have gone after Bucky and none of this would have ever have happened. He put his hand on Bucky's shoulder as Sam inserted the needle into his vein. Bucky didn't flinch but he did turn his head away from Sam, instead looking Steve dead in the eye and keeping his gaze fixed there.  

"They didn't manage to make me forget you, not permanently at least," Bucky said softly, opening his mouth briefly to let Sam get a swab without taking his eyes off Steve. "How did they manage to put such a block in your mind?"  

Steve dropped his gaze, not wanting to see the guilt he felt at hearing Bucky speak his worse fears. Bucky was tortured and had his mind wiped so many times, yet Steve was the one who had forgotten Bucky completely and didn't even realise anything was missing until it was pointed out to him. It couldn't be that Steve meant more to Bucky than the other way around, Steve knew how he felt even if he didn't have the memories to back it up. Maybe it was because Bucky was stronger than him, better able to resist Hydra's manipulations.  

"Bucky, you're finished," Sam said quietly. "Steve, your turn." Steve was all too grateful for the excuse to turn his head away from Bucky and succumbed to Sam's gentle examination. It was faster than Bucky's, Sam already knowing everything about Steve's medical history, and his headache was much better. It wasn't long before Sam stepped back with a satisfied air.  

"You're both done, finally." Sam smiled and Steve tried to return it. "Steve, you're in good health as always but I'm going to tell you again in the hopes it actually goes into your brain. Do not poke or push the mind block on your memories, okay?"  

Steve rolled his eyes. "Fine." He really hadn't welcomed the massive headache anyway.  

"And you, Bucky." Bucky looked at Sam. "As you probably guessed, your health was not on Hydra's priority list." Steve felt a bolt of anger as Bucky moved to put his shirt back on, throwing the scars on his back in sharp relief. "I'm going to give you a variety of nutritional hydros which you need to take daily and another one if you're doing any increased physical activity. Sparring with Nat, running after Steve to stop him doing anything stupid, punching Hydra goons in the face - that kind of thing." That got a smile from both of them. "Now I'm guessing that arm causes you some pain so the hydros also have a mild painkiller in them as well. It's one I've tested on Steve that doesn't leave you loopy or unable to fight because I'm guessing that would be a thing with you."  

Bucky nodded. Steve felt so grateful for Sam, who seemed to understand without being told.  

"Try to keep me up to date with what's going on with you and we hopefully won't have to do this kind of exam again. Oh, and don't pull a Steve and get stabbed and then not tell me about it until you pass out from blood loss." Sam's tone was casual but Steve could hear the hint of anger in it. Sam had mostly forgiven him for that but he brought it up enough for Steve to know that it was completely forgotten yet.  

"Come on, Bucky, you can stay in my quarters." Steve froze midway off the bed. "If that's alright?"  

"Course it is, Steve." Bucky's smile was easy and when he thumped Steve on the back, it was more affectionate than anything else. "You may not remember sharing a bed whenever you got sick when you were little but I do. I know all about the snoring and the kicking and the sleep talking."  

"Ah." Steve knew he snored but he hadn't realised he sleep talked either and none of the crew had ever enlightened him. Sam looked delighted and waved them out of his medical bay before they could say anything else.  

"Hey, Captain, glad to see you're up," Nat called down from her perch on the walkway above the loading station. Wanda was constructing something out of the space trash she liked to collect and merely gave them a distracted wave. Bucky looked around the ship as they walked along and Steve felt nervous, almost as if he was bringing his first girlfriend home to meet his Ma again.  

"Hey, did you know Martha Callaghan?" He asked, the thought occurring to him that if Ma knew Martha, then it stood to reason Bucky did too. Bucky's expression twisted in thought.  

"The name rings a bell but it's all blurred. She had green skin and hair, I think." Steve nodded and chose not to mention that her hair had been constructed of snakes growing straight out of her head. Bucky gave him a sideways glance as they turned onto the corridor with the sleeping quarters, right in the centre of the ship. "The only clear thing is you, everything else is blurred." Bucky turned his head away as if ashamed. "I don't even remember that much about my own Ma. I know she liked to sing and I had a sister but I don't remember anything else of that."  

"It's okay, Bucky. Maybe it'll start to come back now Hydra isn't making you forget over and over again." Steve kept his tone optimistic, although it simply reminded him of his own predicament. "Here I am." He opened the hatch and climbed down into his sleeping quarters. He and Nat were the only ones with a window in their sleeping quarters, while Wanda preferred to be near the engines and Sam's room was right next to the medical room.  

He had decorated it as best he could but he didn't spend much time here except to sleep. When he sketched, he liked to be on the deck and when he wanted to spend time with the others, it was in the rec room or the loading dock if they needed a bigger space. He didn't bring various aliens back to his room like Sam did and he didn't go out to their places like Nat did, he was pretty sure that each of the crew had only set foot in his room a handful of times and no one else did ever.  

It was strange to see Bucky in here. To see him looking at the pictures of his Ma and knowing he knew her in real life, before the Lysria disease ate away at her body until all that was left was her soul shining out of her damaged eyes. To see him looking at the trinkets of Steve's childhood and wondering if he was there when Steve had collected them. He had hated Hydra before, their poisonous agenda which destroyed everything they touched, but their removal of his memories while he was unknowingly under their care was a violation of a sort Steve had never felt before.  

"What's wrong?" Steve looked up to see Bucky eyeing him thoughtfully. For a moment Steve thought about lying but then discarded the thought as quickly as it could come.  

"I'm sorry, Bucky. For forgetting you." Steve couldn't look at Bucky while he said it, he wasn't that brave after everything, but in a few strides, Bucky was right in front of him, forcing him to make eye contact.  

"Listen to me, Steve," Bucky said. His voice was quiet but his tone was forceful enough that it caught Steve's attention. "I know you. You may not remember me but I can see you know me all the same. And I know you the same way. If you had any choice in the matter, if you were able to do anything at all to prevent them, you would have done it. You would have done it for any of your friends but I know you would have fought doubly hard for me."  

Steve closed his eyes, unable to face his friend. "I wasn't strong enough to hold onto you."  

"Shut up, Steve." Bucky's voice raised on the last word but then he let out a breath and settled. Steve had opened his eyes, startled at the sudden volume change and Bucky's eyes caught his gaze immediately. "Strength has nothing to do with it. Hydra had really good at being evil assholes otherwise they wouldn't be such a pain in the ass. I did shit for Hydra because I had forgotten or because I didn't want to be hurt again. Does that make me weak?"  

"No, of course not." That was one thing Steve was sure of. "I may not remember you but I know you are the strongest person I know." Although Nat was definitely up there, considering what she had survived.  

"You're delusional," Bucky said, his voice extraordinarily fond. His flesh hand had slipped to the back of Steve's neck, drawing him closer. He could feel Bucky's breath feathering over his lips and he was struck with the sudden urge to lean forward just a few more inches and closed the distance between them. Indecision halted his approach. He didn't know whether they had done this before or he had offered and Bucky had rejected him. It was something that could wait until Steve got his memories back.  

And he would get his memories back. It was something Steve was not willing to compromise on. Hydra had taken so much from everyone, he wouldn't let them take his own mind from him too.  

"I'm glad you're here, Bucky." Steve pulled him into a hug, not wanting to let him go anytime soon. He felt like he had known Bucky all his life and yet his memories only extended for the day but already he knew he couldn't lose Bucky again. He wouldn't let Hydra take Bucky from him again, both in person and in his mind.  

"Someone has to be here to stop you doing anything stupid," Bucky murmured as he returned the hug, just a little too tight. "Anything more stupid."  

"Jerk," Steve muttered, following some kind of long-buried instinct and felt Bucky's smile against his neck.  

"Punk."  


	4. Chapter 4

Steve woke up the next morning next to a sleeping Bucky in the camp bed beside him and felt amazing. This was the sort of feeling he got when he ran laps around the ship. Last time he did this, however, Sam had joined in and complained bitterly about Steve being an asshole about running too fast, while Wanda had yelled at the both of them to be careful of the ship. He didn't want to wake Bucky, it looked like he was having the first decent sleep in months, but he felt so excited about the plan his sleeping mind had come up with that he felt like he had to tell someone.  

Inching out of bed without waking Bucky was difficult but Steve did it slowly enough he thought he had succeeded until he sat up. "Where do you think you're going?" Bucky's voice was as clear as anything, clearly having been awake for longer than Steve thought.  

"I didn't want to wake you." Steve felt a little guilty but now Bucky was awake, he didn't mind slipping back into bed. Bucky opened his eyes and looked at Steve, the clear affection making Steve's breath catch.  

"What's got you so excited this morning?" Bucky asked, not moving from his position on his side facing Steve. His eyes were sweeping over Steve's face and exposed body, trying to gain clues about Steve's extraordinary good mood.  

"I was thinking about how to get my memories back," Steve said and Bucky's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Relax, I'm not going to try and push through whatever is blocking my memories. That was painful enough and I don't really want to repeat it."  

"Good. Now what's your plan and how much am I going to disapprove of it?"  

"I don't see why you would disapprove of it. It's perfectly safe." Well, mostly. It was safer than trying to figure it out on his own and he wasn't a fan of the 'wait and see' method Sam had recommended.  

"Perfectly safe?" Bucky repeated. "Those are two words I never associate with you, Steve. Besides, whatever your plan is, it involves poking around in your mind and your memories. That does not scream safe."  

"Well, it's better for me to be doing it under the supervision of someone who knows what they're doing rather than go at it alone again," Steve pointed out, quite reasonably he thought.  

Bucky didn't seem to think so. "You could just wait for your memories to come back on their own," he said, though it seemed like he knew this was a lost cause, judging by the tone of his voice.  

"They haven't come back in years and now I know they're missing, I'm not going to just sit and wait for them." Steve pressed his lips together and looked at Bucky, examining every angle of Bucky's face with his gaze as if Bucky was going to be torn away from him in a few minutes. "If our positions were reversed, would you wait and hope for your memories of me to come back? Or would you do everything possible to help the process along?" Bucky’s expression flashed open before shuttering and Steve regretted his words. If there was anyone in the world who could come close to understanding what he was feeling, it was Bucky. “Bucky, you said your memories started coming back on their own whenever Hydra wasn’t trying to take them. But that hasn’t happened to me.”  

He said nothing else, letting the silence stretch on. 

Bucky looked like he was wrestling with something inside before he gave a resigned sigh that had Steve grinning. "What is this plan that has you so happy?"  

"The  _America_ has friends that can help us," Steve explained quickly. "They're allies, good ones. We can trust them. They have a doctor who can help us as well." Bucky looked very unsure and Steve felt a pang of sympathy. If the situation was reversed and he had to trust Bucky's care to a bunch of strangers, no matter how much Bucky said he trusted them, he would have big reservations about the whole thing.  

“A doctor did this to you in the first place,” Bucky said, his eyes shadowed.  

Steve grimaced. “Yeah, I know. But I trusted those doctors because they were SHIELD. I trust this doctor because I know her personally.” He didn’t mention he had once trusted Rumlow personally, it wouldn’t help his case. 

"I'll agree if the rest of the crew agree, including Sam," Bucky said and Steve nodded. He had been planning on doing it anyway, though he knew Sam would be quite hard to convince. "And if I can accompany you through the whole thing."  

"I don't know whether you'll be able to. " Steve didn't know exactly what was involved with helping someone getting their memories back but he assumed he had to be alone at some point.  

"Steve, this is a dealbreaker. I stay with you or I get the rest of your crew to mutiny and drive us in the opposite direction to the one you want to go." Bucky frowned seriously as he said this but Steve suddenly had a flash of a much younger and more baby-faced Bucky trying to look just as serious and failing. He wished he had memories of that younger Bucky, the Bucky before Hydra had hurt him and made him distrustful and watchful.  

"The opposite direction is a Hydra ship," Steve pointed out but shut up and nodded when Bucky gave him a look.  

"Then I'm in."  

"Great! Let's go and tell the rest of the crew." Steve needed to go and relieve Nat of pilot duty as well. She had taken over last night on Sam's request, he didn't want Steve doing anything that involved brain power, but she had to be exhausted by now.  

"I was hoping we could get a few more moments in bed," Bucky said but pulled himself up all the same. He had set his shirt and pants on the chair when he climbed into the camp bed, leaving only his underwear, and it meant Steve got an eyeful when Bucky moved over to his clothes. Steve didn't know whether Bucky wasn't one for modesty or whether it was because Steve had seen him with his shirt off yesterday and so he had gotten over Steve's reaction to his scars. "What is there to eat around this place?" Bucky asked as he turned around, too fast for Steve to hide the fact he had been checking Bucky out. He blushed and looked away, probably confirming all of Bucky's suspicions but apart from a telling silence, Bucky didn't react at all. "Who does the cooking here?"  

"Er, we all take turns." Steve tried to get his mind back on track. Food, cooking, breakfast. "Sam and Wanda are the best cooks, my food is edible and Nat tends to get bored and wanders off and sets the stove on fire." Although Steve was pretty sure Nat was doing that on purpose to get out of a disliked chore.  

"So, I'll cook today." Bucky shrugged as he put his jacket on, looking supremely unconcerned by anything as he dug Steve's comb out of the dresser and started trying to tame his hair. Steve winced as the comb caught on so many tangles but Bucky didn't even flinch. Nor did he look in the mirror until all the tangles were gone and the comb was running through smooth.  

"You don't have to," Steve said, realising he had been too busy staring at Bucky to respond to his statement. "Cook, I mean."  

"It's only fair. I show up out of nowhere and start freeloading - I should at least pull my own weight."  

"That's not true, I was the one who dragged you off the Hydra ship," Steve pointed out, not really thinking about his words until they were out in the open. He blinked and closed his mouth.  

"Yeah, I really resented you for taking me away from the evil organisation that kidnapped me." Bucky rolled his eyes and Steve felt any traces of anger fade away. This was going to be very inconvenient if Steve couldn't be angry with Bucky after he looked him in the face.  

"Whatever. You're such a asshole." Steve couldn't help smiling so his words lost most of their impact. Bucky ruffled his hair and suddenly Steve felt like he was twelve years old again. There was a distinct memory of someone doing this exact thing to him but as soon as he tried to focus on who was doing it, his head started to hurt again. "Breakfast?"  

Bucky was looking at him with narrowed eyes. "What just happened there?"  

Steve really wished he hadn't been right about Bucky knowing exactly when he was lying. He sighed. "I tried to follow a memory down and I got a headache." The last word was barely out of his mouth before Bucky was kneeling in front of him, his hands on the side of Steve's head and his thumbs brushing over his temples.  

"Where is it hurting? Do we need to go and see Sam?"  

"Bucky, I'm fine." There was another sense of doing this exact same thing before, though Steve remembered being a lot smaller when they did so. "Come on. I have to go and make sure the ship's okay. I want to see how you do at breakfast too." He grinned but Bucky didn't return it. "Really, Bucky, I stopped before it got too bad."  

Bucky finally broke eye contact. "Steve, I just - yesterday was shit." He moved closer to Bucky, drawn by the pain in his eyes.  

There was a knock on the door to Steve's quarters and the moment was broken.  

"Steve, you alright?" Nat sounded careful, controlled and Steve's attention switched to his friend.  

"I'm fine, Nat. We'll  be out for breakfast in a sec." He looked at Bucky whose expression had smoothed out. "You ready to go?" He received a nod and the two of them headed out.  

The  _America_ was drifting in space and had been for a few hours while Nat had gotten some sleep. Steve looked out at space as Nat updated him on everything that had happened overnight. Bucky was being shown around the kitchen by Sam and Wanda, though Steve was sure Sam would be making more comments than actual help.  

"How was he overnight?" Nat asked as Steve steered the ship gently back on its path. It never drifted far but always required some correcting afterwards.  

"Fine. He didn't seem to wake at all, at least not from what I remember, and he wants to make breakfast this morning." Steve was willfully oblivious about what Nat was asking, he wanted her to ask directly.  

"No, Steve." Nat knew exactly what he was doing, reading him better sometimes than he knew himself, and he could hear the frustration in her voice. "I meant, how was he acting? Was he quiet, withdrawn or was it friendly and wanting to talk?"  

Steve turned his head to look at his friend. "What are you asking me, Nat?"  

"Look, I know he says he knows you but I know you don't have any pictures of him and all we have to go on is what he's telling us. Everything I found about the Winter Soldier says that he was the best of Hydra, that he could be ruthless when called for. I don't think we should trust him so easily."  

Steve felt a surge of anger and clenched his fists. He knew Nat would have seen that - she didn't miss a thing - and he consciously relaxed his fists. "Nat, I haven't told you everything. I haven't told him everything."  

"What is it, Steve?"  

"When I saw Bucky in the cryo chamber, I knew my Ma liked him. Not would have liked him, but did like him. That was before Bucky even woke up and said anything. And I keep getting flashes of memory, of familiarity, around him. There are blank spots in my memory. Even discounting what Rumlow said, I knew Bucky's telling the truth."  

"What did Rumlow say?" Nat asked.  

"Taunting me about how he didn't think I remembered Bucky. Then when he realised I still didn't, he started mocking me for saving him anyway." It didn't bother Steve anymore, although Rumlow's betrayal had been painful at the time. What aggravated Steve the most was how Rumlow knew more about his own memories than Steve did.  

"I'm not saying that you didn't know him before and that Hydra didn't take those memories away. I'm saying Bucky has been with Hydra for over five years. He was a good person when you were younger but if there is one thing Hydra is good at, it's brainwashing and torture. Bucky may have been the strongest person in the universe but everyone breaks under torture and he would have undergone a lot." She put her hand on Steve's shoulder. "Steve, when I was with the Red Room, I would have done anything they asked of me. I did do anything they asked me in order to stop them hurting me again. This is not a judgement on Bucky and I'm not saying we dump him somewhere and run. But maybe not sleeping right next to him?"  

Steve knew what Nat was saying was logical. She was always good at taking a step back and looking at a situation objectively and Steve could do the same up to a point. However, in this he knew he wasn't going to listen to logic.  

"If you're right and Hydra have got inside his head, then I'm going to do everything possible to save him." Steve set his jaw as he looked out at space. He remembered looking up at the stars when he was younger and wishing he was up there. Everything had seemed better and brighter in space but where there were people, there was trouble. "I know he's telling the truth about being my friend and I'm not going to leave him behind."  

Nat sighed. "Why did I know you were going to say that?"  

"You should listen to her." The voice made them both turn and when Steve glanced at Nat, he saw the look of rare surprise on her face. It was very hard to sneak on her and the fact Bucky had managed it seemed to confirm her suspicions.  

Bucky was sitting on the hatch at the back of the deck, legs dangling down into the hole. His expression was carefully blank but Steve saw the turmoil within. "I'm guessing you heard the whole thing," Nat said, breaking the silence that had fallen between them. Bucky nodded.  

"You and Nat seem to have a very low opinion of my sense of self-preservation," Steve said, his words light but his tone was serious. Bucky shrugged and Steve smiled at the familiar gesture but he didn't feel any humour. "If it was me, if our positions were swapped around, what would you do?"  

"But I remember you. I'm a stranger to you." Bucky pushed himself up. The blank expression was gone and instead he looked like he was about to vibrate out of his skin, gaze fixed on Steve with a kind of desperation that Steve immediately wanted to soothe.  

"Hydra takes me, takes my memory, tortures me and forces me to do horrible things that keep me awake at night," Steve said in a slow voice. What he was going to say now was vitally important, far more than anything he had said before. Bucky would remember how Steve reacted right now.  

"Don't, Steve." Bucky flinched away, his mouth twisted in remembered pain, and Steve wanted to stop but knew he couldn't.  

"Say what happened to you, happened to me." Steve took a step forward. "What would you do?"  

"It's different," Bucky insisted. "I remember us being friends and you don't remember me at all. I'm just a stranger to you." 

"You don't feel like a stranger." Steve took another step forward. Bucky looked cornered but didn't move away as Steve approached him, though he did straighten up and tense his shoulders. "And I'm going to get my memories back, but it's not going to change my mind about anything. If you wouldn't leave me behind, what makes you think I would."  

"It's dangerous, not just for you, but for your friends as well. I don't know what Hydra have put in my head but I'm sure they didn't just wipe my memories and left me alone. I never really remember my missions, only the aftermath, and that isn't normal." He turned to Nat. "Tell them, Natalia. If someone had rescued you from the Red Room, you would end up hurting them even without wanting to."  

"And that is exactly why I think Steve should be careful." Nat looked more relaxed now, leaning against her chair. "But I know he's not going to do that and expecting it won't get you anywhere." Steve resisted the urge to smile. "Bucky, if you were friends, then you should know how Steve is with those who earn his loyalty."  

"Yeah, I know." Bucky looked like he didn't know whether to be happy or annoyed with this. Steve walked up to him and pulled Bucky into a hug. Bucky didn’t return it but he didn’t pull away either. "You always were a stubborn moron," Bucky said quietly, meant for Steve's ears only, though he knew Nat would be able to catch the words.  

"That's not going to change anytime soon,” Steve said back.  

"What did you mean about you getting your memories back? You're not going to try again,” Nat’s voice was wary and Steve pulled back from Bucky enough to be able to turn to look at her.  

"I was thinking about going to visit Doctor Cho to help. Everytime I get a flash of a memory, I try to follow it and it gives me a headache. I can't do this on my own and she'll be the best person to help me. She specialised in memory and the mind."  

"Well, if we were going to go to the best person for the job, it would be Stephen," Nat pointed and Steve couldn't help the face he made at the name. "Yeah, that's what I thought."  

"Who's Stephen?" Bucky asked.  

"Doctor Stephen Strange. He's good at working with the mind but I don't want him anywhere near you or my memories of you." There was a very good chance Dr Strange would think Steve would be better off without the memories and refuse to help anyway. "I actually agree with Tony about him."  

"There's a shock." Nat smiled, a half-twist of her mouth to show amusement. "I agree that Cho's our best bet but I don't think poking the block in your mind will get you anything but pain."  

"I have to try."  

"Or you could leave it alone," Bucky stressed. Steve shook his head and Bucky didn't try to argue any further, simply looked resigned.  

"I'll set a course for Fury's ship." Nat was the only one who had been trusted with the ship's location codes, for some reason Fury didn't want to tell the rest of them. Something about them being too honest to keep a secret.  

"I can't wait to remember you," Steve whispered in Bucky's ear and felt their loose hug tighten.  

"Go have some breakfast, you two. I'll call you when you're needed," Nat said as she sat herself down in her seat. Steve's stomach rumbled, cutting off all protest and Bucky grinned for the first time he appeared in the room.  

"Sounds like a good idea." 


	5. Chapter 5

Fury’s ship, the  _Insight_ , was easily four times the size of the  _America_  but Steve thought there was always something very sterile about it. Smooth corners, pale metal walls and more glass that he thought strictly neccessary. 

In contrast, the crew of the  _Insight_ were dressed in dark colours as they stood in front of the airlock in greeting. 

"So you picked this man up from a Hydra ship." Fury seemed unimpressed by Steve after the explanation of why they were there but that wasn't unusual in the slightest. Clint waved at Steve from the pilot chair and Nat waved back. Maria was standing behind Fury looking intimidating but the expression cracked as soon as Sam and Wanda appeared. The  _America_ had docked on  _Insight_ and the whole crew had come aboard. Bucky had stuck near Steve the whole time they had been on the ship and eyed everything with suspicion. "Exactly why are we supposed to trust him?"  

"Coming from the man who didn't realise Hydra was inside his police force," Bucky muttered, perfectly audible to everyone in the room but in a low enough tone that it could be ignored.  

"You don't have to trust him." Steve hoped Bucky didn't take it personally. Fury didn't trust anyone except for maybe Maria. Everyone else was kept at a distance and his secrets were kept close to his chest. "But I would like to talk to Dr Cho."  

Fury eyed him for another minute. Steve was sure he had made up his mind as soon as Steve had finished explaining but he did like to draw things out. "Fine. But he stays with you."  

"Fine by me." Steve didn't say that had been the initial plan or that it had been Bucky's idea. "Thanks, Fury." He turned to his friend. "Come on, I think I remember where Cho's office is." He left his friends to catch up with Maria and Clint; it had been a while since any of them had seen each other and was probably a greater part of the reason why Nat had agreed to the trip than she had thought.  

"It's so shiny," Bucky said with distaste as they walked along the metal corridor to Cho's medical room. The  _Insight_ was far larger than the  _America,_ more high tech so it could run with a proportionally smaller crew. "I don't like it."  

"It's a good thing it's not our ship then." Steve took the stairs down one flight and tried to remember which door was Cho's room.  

"Steve!" He turned around and Bucky copied him.  

"Sharon!" Sharon Carter, Peggy's cousin, smiling and as put together as she ever was, came up and hugged Steve. He hugged her back, surprised and glad to see her.  

"I thought you had gone back to stay with Peggy." He pulled back from the hug. "I didn't know you were still here." A second later he became aware of the glowering presence by his side. "Oh, Sharon, this is Bucky. Bucky, this is Sharon Carter, a friend of mine."  

Sharon held out her hand and, after a moment of hesitation, Bucky took it. "It's nice to meet you, Bucky." Sharon turned back to Steve. "I didn't realise you would be visiting Fury this week, I thought you were going to Washington Quadrant this week."  

"I had to talk to Dr Cho and it'll be a lot easier in person." Steve shrugged and Sharon took the hint and steered the subject away.  

"Are the others here as well? Maybe we could have lunch after you finish talking to Helen."  

"Yeah, they're upstairs. We'll see you afterwards." Bucky was glaring at Sharon for some reason but didn't resist when Steve steered him gently down the corridor.  

"I don't like her," Bucky said when Sharon was barely out of sight.  

"She barely said three sentences." Steve glanced at Bucky. The expression on his face wasn't angry, more petulant. "Are you jealous?" It wasn't until Bucky's cheeks dusted pink that he was even sure of what he was saying. "You are!"  

"Sam said you dated her!" Bucky sounded more like a teenager than a fully grown man and it was obvious he knew this, judging from the embarrassed grimace on his face

“It’s okay, Bucky.” Steve knocked on Cho’s door.  

"Come in!" Steve opened the door to see Cho bent over a microscope, Bruce Banner on the big screen.  

"Steve!" Both Cho and Bruce said as soon as they saw him, sounding just as happy as Sharon to see him. Cho straightened up from the microscope. Bruce wore a crumpled white coat while Cho wore a casual top and jeans, her hair pulled up into a bun. "I didn't realise you were here," she said.  

"How is everyone?" Bruce asked. "How's Wanda? I know she was struggling with your last mission."  

"She's doing alright." The Hydra soldier she had to kill had reminded her so much of Pietro, she hadn't been able to sleep the next two nights. "Bruce, Doctor Cho, this is Bucky, an old friend." Both of them looked surprised.  

"It's nice to meet you," Cho said.  

"How old a friend are you? I haven't heard Steve mention you before," Bruce said and Steve felt his smile fall.  

"That's really why I wanted to talk to you, Doctor Cho." Cho and Banner exchanged a glance.  

"I think I hear Tony calling me," Bruce said quickly. "I'll talk to you later, Helen. Make sure you call me, Steve and update me otherwise I'll set Tony on you."  

Steve's lips quirked. "Duly noted. Thanks, Bruce."  

The screen went black and Cho turned to look at the two of them. "What's going on?"  

Steve and Bucky looked at each other and Steve took a deep breath.  

The explanation took a while, Cho asking questions whenever Steve paused. Her mind was obviously going a thousand miles an hour and when he was finished talking, Steve waited none too patiently for her verdict. Bucky had remained silent throughout but had inched closer to Steve, watching Cho closely.  

"Well, for both good and bad, you are not the first person Hydra has done this to," Cho said as she sat down in one of the stools by the table. She indicated the other seats. Steve took her up on the offer, Bucky didn't, preferring to stand by Steve's side. He was still eyeing Helen with distrust but Steve couldn't tell why. "Which means I do have something which can help you." She moved into the back room and Steve took a breath.  

"You don't have to do this, Steve," Bucky said quietly, obviously desiring Helen not to hear him. "We can find another way."  

"Bucky, I trust Helen. I know you don't but she is the best and safest way of regaining my memories."  

"It's not her I don't trust." Bucky bit his lip and ran a hand through his hair. He had put a black glove on the metal hand and when Steve grabbed it, the material felt cool underneath his hand. "I don't trust anyone who deals with people's minds."  

"Understandable."  

Helen appeared in the doorway. "I'm ready for you two."  

The back room was empty of everything except a floating metal table and a large metal piece of headgear attached to a metal rod coming out of the wall. Bucky went stiff as a board at the sight of the headgear and his metal hand gripped Steve's hand so tightly, he felt it start to go numb. He looked like he was a second away from ripping the helmet-like contraption out of the wall.  

"Maybe this isn't such a good idea," Bucky said, eyeing the medical equipment which was surrounding Steve.  

"I'll be fine, Bucky," Steve said as calmly as he could. Strangely enough, helping Bucky deal with his own freakout helped Steve deal with his. He was still nervous but his thoughts were on calming Bucky down. Even when they were lowering the helmet, he was feeling his stomach clench up in knots but he continued to smile at Bucky in the hopes of calming him down.  

"Don't even try, punk," Bucky muttered. "I know when you're faking." Steve felt his smile flicker and die. He really hated Bucky knowing him without being able to reciprocate. He had never been aware of something being missing but now every time he turned around, he was conscious of the loss.  

"It'll be okay," Steve said, his voice firm in the hopes of convincing the both of them. At Helen's signal, Steve let go of Bucky's hand and sat back in the chair. Helen came forwards to secure the restraints and Bucky snarled at her.   

"I'll do it." He kept an eye on her as he carefully did up the restraints keeping Steve's arms and legs fixed to the bed, testing each one until he was satisfied. Steve knew he should be irritated, Helen looked scared, but all he could think about was the warm feeling in the pit of his stomach. Ever since he had gone through the experiment, he was the one who did the protecting, not the one who needed protection.  

When everything was secure, Bucky stepped back, moving behind the screen with Helen. He didn't take his eyes off Steve the entire time, Helen might as well not have been there. Steve kept looking at Bucky right up until the electricity started to spark.  

Steve thought he was used to pain but anything in his past was nothing like this. He had flashes of scenes going by but he wasn't able to absorb what was going on since they were gone too quickly. Pain filled every inch of his mine and all he could think about was how much it hurt.  

There was shouting in the background and Steve forced his mind to focus. The shouting sounded familiar - it was frantic and worried. His ma - no. The voice was male.  

"Shut it off!" The voice was saying. Steve wanted to say no but he couldn't find the words. He couldn't take a breath big enough to protest and all he could do was fall back against the chair as soon as the pain stopped. 

"Steve." Bucky looked freaked, there was no other word for it. His eyes were so wide Steve could see the white all around them and he was sweating like he was the one who had just been electrocuted. His skin was so pale it was almost grey and Steve felt himself wince in sympathy. He tried to reach up and put a hand on Bucky's shoulder, wanting to comfort him but something prevented him. 

"Let me." There was someone else there, Doctor Cho, but Steve didn't look at her, not wanting to take his eyes off Bucky. As soon as the restraints were loosened, Steve reached out and Bucky knew exactly what he wanted. Both of them were bathed in cold sweat but Bucky plastered himself against Steve in the gurney nonetheless. 

"Don't do that again," Bucky muttered into Steve's shoulder. "Please, Steve."  

Steve closed his eyes, unable to promise he wouldn't, despite the pain, despite Bucky's distress. The thought of never remembering Bucky, of never knowing why the sight of him almost crying made Steve's heart hurt as if he had been stabbed, was worse than the thought of the pain again.  

There was something going on outside the room they were in and Helen looked confused. She opened the door, only for Sam to burst in. He took in the situation at a glance and worry streaked across his face. "I know this is a bad time but we've got a Hydra ship on our tail."  

Steve pulled himself up. He hadn't felt himself after the first collapse and now he just felt ten times worse, but he had no choice.  

"Steve, you need to stay down," Helen said as Steve swayed as soon as he stood up.  

"Can't, Helen, we'll need all hands to fight Hydra." Bucky and Helen looked at Sam, who looked very uncomfortable.  

"I really wish I could say he was wrong but Hydra have three different ships. We get Steve over onto our ship so we can disengage and fight as two." Steve took a few steps and Bucky came around to prop him up. Steve put an arm around his shoulders gratefully and then the three of them made their way to where their ship was docked.  

"Nat says to hurry it up!" Wanda called from the docking area as soon as she saw them. "She also had a crack about you three being old but I missed it." Wanda looked terrified and jumpy, although Steve was sure she'll feel better as soon as she was inside the engine room. The three of them were inside and there was the whirring sound of the airlock door coming up behind them and them disengaging from the  _Insight._  

"Where are we going?" Bucky asked. Steve tried to get him to let go but Bucky refused, sending him a glare as Steve tried to protest. "I'm getting you in the chair, Rogers and then you can do all the flying you want. But first you have to sit down."  

"Your marital spats would be much funnier if we didn't have Hydra outside," Sam said right before the ship was rocked by a missile. The shield held but it spurred them on until Steve was climbing out onto the deck.  

"It took you long enough." Nat was tense, not tearing her eyes off the screens in front of her.  

"Right, I'll be on the viewfinder, Sam, you'll be on communications with  _Insight._ Bucky, you know how to work the guns?" Bucky nodded and Steve resolved to ask later, if there was a later. The ship was rocked again and Sam cursed as he overbalanced on the way to his chair.  

"I hate these Hydra bastards," he said and there were distracted sounds of agreement before Steve was seated the viewfinder. Everything tunnelled down to what was in front of his eyes.  

Three Hydra ships, large and ugly, loomed up in front of them. Steve could just see  _Insight_  beside them. "Steve, the weak points on the Hydra ships are normally on the base. The engines are hidden at the bottom near the back," Bucky shouted as he slot his arms into the firing controls. He didn't know just how to work them, Bucky was an old pro at the guns and it showed when he took out all of the Hydra missiles because they had even got close enough to be a problem.  

There was a moment of silence.  

"Hydra is hailing us," Sam said.  

"Speaker," Steve ordered, still not taking his eyes off the Hydra ships just in case. "Nat, try and get us below their ships." She did so, not questioning his decision despite where the information had come from.  

"Hello, Captain of the  _America_." Rumlow's voice was as oily as ever. He sounded amused which made every muscle in Steve's body tense and he didn't dare look at Bucky. "You have something that belongs to us."  

"No, we really don't," Steve answered, keeping his voice as level as he could.  

"A little Asset of ours," Rumlow continued. "The Winter Soldier, to be precise."  

"Considering you kidnapped him, I wouldn't call him yours." It was really, really tempting to cut him off but right now the Hydra ships weren't firing on them even as they moved closer towards their weak point so he would take any distraction he could get. Nat had a screen up connected to the  _Insight_ and her hands were moving rapidly as she talked to Clint non-verbally.  

"Is he listening?" Rumlow sounded delighted at the possibility and Steve set his jaw. "Well, tell the Asset that unless he comes back to us, we'll rip the  _America_ and the  _Insight_ to shreds. I really don't think he needs any more blood on his hands."  

"There's one small problem with that." Bucky didn't look so good, now ashen and looking sick, and it made Steve harden his voice. "We don't have a habit of giving Hydra what they want, especially when it's people." A quick signal to Sam and the communication cut out. "Now."  

Nat and Wanda boosted the ship's thrusters, pushing it downwards sharply and next to them,  _Insight_ did the same. The engine  _Insight_ targeted was shattered to pieces after a few direct hits but the  _America_ 's guns were far weaker, at least against shielded Hydra ships and it seemed to injure the ship rather than take it out completely.  

"So are we not even going to talk about the obvious option?" Bucky asked when he was firing again at the missiles heading towards him. Sam was in contact with the  _Insight_  as the other ship had to reverse backwards thanks to losing the element of surprise for the third ship.  

"If you're going to say what I think you're going to say, then no," Steve said without taking his eyes off the fight. There was a fire inside the Hydra ship visible through what windows there were but it seemed to be relatively self-contained.  

"If I went with them, they would go away." Bucky fired viciously at another drone Hydra shot at them before shooting again at the engines. It was like he had a sixth sense, he knew exactly what Hydra were going to throw at them next. Maybe so, maybe Hydra had their own battle plans that they never strayed from even with a prisoner of theirs had defected to the other side.  

"Or we all get blown to smithereens," Sam said reasonably. "Hydra is not best known for keeping their side of the bargain."  

"Or they could do what we did to them and take out our engines so we're left stranded until someone stumbles above this relatively deserted area of space and hope we don't starve to death by that point," Nat added.  

"And even without all of that, I'm not handing you over to Hydra, Bucky. Memories or not." Steve looked at Bucky to see him staring back, a mixture of relief and grief displayed clearly on his face.  

The ship lurched and rocked beneath them, everyone scrambling to keep their balance as the radio crackles to life. 

"Captain!" Wanda's voice came through, loud and urgent. "One of the missiles hit us and it killed the engine. Completely. We're dead in space."  

Nat was frantically trying the controls and shaking her head every time it didn't work.  

"They're going to board us," Bucky said flatly. The guns were still working and Bucky was firing at the engine in front of him but as they drifted downwards away from the Hydra ship, he was unable to get the angle.  

"Right." This was not what Steve had been expecting. "Let  _Insight_ know. Wanda, you barricade the engine room's doors and focus all your energy on getting us going again."  

"Weapons are in the lockers at the back," Nat said to Bucky as she unstrapped herself and headed to the back of the deck. He followed her two steps behind. As Nat handed him his shield and Bucky handed him a gun, the whole of the  _America_  shuddered as if someone horrible had happened.  

"They're connected now." Bucky's expression was grim. It seemed like he had lost hope already but he was going to go down fighting if so. Steve checked his gun was loaded and vowed to himself. He had failed Bucky twice now, once when he got captured and once when he had forgotten him. He wasn't going to fail him again.  


	6. Chapter 6

Steve had been prepared to fight to keep Bucky with him. He had been expecting Hydra having the better weapons and the greater numbers - but he wasn't expecting how big an advantage Hydra would have. Steve knew the  _America_  like the back of his hand and Nat when she had gotten bored one day, had booby trapped the whole place, but Hydra kept sending more soldiers even as bodies littered the floor.  

Nat set another trap to blow, taking three soldiers to the floor.  

"Where are all these guys coming from?" Sam asked as he shot another two that came around the corner.  

"Wait a minute," Bucky said, coming out from his cover to head towards one of the fallen Hydra soldiers.  

"Bucky, get back here," Steve hissed, his heart leaping in a mixture of terror and horror as he shot another two soldiers. Bucky did so but not before dragging one of the soldiers with him. He stripped open the black jacket of the fallen soldier and when his chest was bared to the rest of them, Bucky stuck a knife just below the ribs.  

"That's nasty," Sam said, his face screwed up in a disgusted expression which lasted until Bucky pulled back a layer of skin to reveal electronics that wouldn't look out of place on the inside of a computer and then it turned into confusion.  

"They're robots," Bucky said as he shoved the soldier away and back with the others. "I knew they were developing them but I didn't know they had been perfected. They're meant to overwhelm the enemies with sheer numbers because the early models never lasted very long among human people."  

Steve half-listened to the conversation, gun trained on the corner the robots were coming around from. Something wasn't right about all this, it felt wrong that they were just sent all these robots along to be shot down. Better than human soldiers yes, but the robots couldn't have been cheap and Hydra wasn't one for wasting money and time when they could be doing other things. There was no other way to get to them than this corridor, the door behind them could only be opened from this side and there were no windows.  

There was a strange noise coming from the fallen robots, it sounded faintly like a ticking noise.  

Realisation hit Steve like a ton of bricks and he moved faster than he had ever moved before. The door swung open when it recognised Steve's palm print and in a desperate feat of strength, he managed to push Sam and Natasha through before throwing himself and Bucky after them.  

The corridor behind them burst into flame, the explosion rocking the  _America_ and for the third time in three days, he passed out.    
 

Waking up after passing out was unpleasant at the best of times but it was doubly unpleasant when you woke up to Rumlow's sneering face and your hands bolted behind your back. Steve shifted in order to get away from Rumlow's face and almost blacked out again from the pain. His back felt like it was on fire and every single movement against the rough floor had Steve biting the inside of his cheek to stop himself from crying out.  

"Looks like someone's awake," Rumlow said, sounding far too delighted for Steve's peace of mind. Carefully, Steve turned his aching head to see where the rest of his crew were. Sam and Nat were conscious, though both had visible injuries, and had their hands bound behind their back as well. Bucky, on the other hand, had a muzzle over the bottom of his face and his hands bound in front of him, the bindings going all the way up his arms. Several human soldiers as well as the robotic ones were pointing their guns directly at them but Bucky was ignoring them all to stare at Steve, examining him with his gaze. Steve tried to hide how much everything hurt but he had a feeling he wasn't doing a very good job.  

Thankfully, Wanda was nowhere to be seen.  

"I'm glad you're awake for this, Captain," Rumlow said. The sneer on his face was all too familiar and Steve had to concentrate on the scar on Rumlow's forehead, which Steve gave him two months ago, to make sure he didn’t say anything stupid. "I wouldn't like to take your  _Bucky_  away without you knowing about it." The rage sweeping through him was hard to ignore but at least it blocked out the pain for a few moments. "Now, we don't have very long but who am I to pass up on an opportunity like this?"  

Nat swung herself around very slowly but one of the nearby soldiers put the butt of his gun into her shoulder and she froze in place, teeth grit against the cry of pain. Steve jerked, wanting to go to Nat, but his wrists started to scream in the process. Sam got a panicked look on his face every time he looked at Steve and Bucky hadn't looked away from him at all; Steve dreaded to know what he looked like if that was the reaction he was getting.  

Rumlow turned away from Steve and started to walk over to Bucky, causing all four of them to switch their attention to Rumlow, including Bucky. Steve jerked, wanting to get in between Rumlow and Bucky, especially when Bucky looked like he was actually afraid of Rumlow, though it was well disguised. Rumlow grinned at Bucky but simply took a long metal stick out of one of the soldier's packs and started to walk back to Steve.  

"This is why you don't leave Hydra," Rumlow said to Bucky as soon as he was standing over Steve.  

The stick turned on and lightning danced at the end of it, capturing Steve's attention instantly. There was nothing for it as the electrocuted end of the weapon came towards him and Steve braced himself.  

"No!" Sam yelled but once again, Steve was screaming. There were no waves of pain to brace against, it was simply endless and continuous and it only stopped when Rumlow took the weapon away. Steve couldn't see anything, he was blind to his friends' faces and their worried cries. All he could focus on was Rumlow's gleeful expression and the weapon in his hand.  

"I've wanted to see you brought low for so long." Rumlow's voice was almost soft and his eyes were dark with pleasure as he stared down at Steve. The look in his eye made Steve want to back away, far more than any physical pain he could cause. It was a look that said he was enjoying this, causing Steve pain, and if they were alone right now with endless time, he would make Steve beg for death.  

"Er, boss?" One of the other Hydra soldiers said from over to Steve's right. He couldn't even look, not wanting to take his eyes off Rumlow and his weapon for a second.  

Rumlow's expression changed, irritation winning over pleasure and Steve breathed a sigh of relief. "What?"  

"Are you sure about this?" The soldier was gesturing but Rumlow had moved the weapon closer to Steve's skin and he couldn't see anything else. Rumlow smirked at the effect of his threat on Steve and barely glanced over to where Bucky was being help captive.  

"Relax. The Asset needs to know what happens if he ever tries to escape again." Rumlow flipped a switch on the weapon and the electricity sparks suddenly became louder and more violent.  

"But what about the Asset?" The nervous soldier queried again.  

"Only Control can operate the Asset," Rumlow said in a bored tone before his expression brightened as he looked at Steve. "Honestly, you just can't get the help these days." He pressed the weapon to Steve's skin.  

It was worse the second time. The electricity made him jerk and shudder so when Rumlow lifted the weapon away, after what felt like an age, Steve's back felt like it had been rubbed raw and there was warm liquid all over his bound hands. Steve panted as he tried to regain some equilibrium, tried to think of a way out of this but Rumlow stuck the weapon back on him before he could do anything.  

The pain stopped and Steve took a deep breath before letting it out again. He almost choked as the tears slid down his face and he didn't want to open his eyes, to see Rumlow's malicious glee.  

"Aw, Captain, do you need a tissue - " Rumlow grunted, cutting off his mocking so abruptly that Steve opened his eyes, in surprise if nothing else.  

"Bucky?" Rumlow toppled over like demolished building as Bucky removed the knife from the back of his neck. Steve stared as Bucky looked around the room, his gaze strangely blank and analytical. The other Hydra soldiers were on the floor and Sam and Nat were pulling themselves to their feet, Sam rubbing his wrists, and both of them casting wary glances at Bucky.  

Steve caught Sam's eye and saw the second Sam remembered Steve's injuries. He took a step towards Steve and Bucky was suddenly pointing a gun in his face. Sam put his hands up and stopped where he stood.  

"Hey, man, I have to check him out." Bucky's eyes didn't change, focused on Sam with the same deadly precision Steve had seen when he had removed the knife from Rumlow's dead body. "He can't move and he's going to die of blood loss, shock or infection if I don't get to him soon." Sam's urgency seemed to have no effect on Bucky who was still pointing a gun on him. Nat was standing, arms held still by her side, tense and ready but not acting right now.  

Steve really didn't know what was happening but he knew that he had a limited amount of time because he passed out from all the things Sam described and it appeared that Bucky wasn't being himself if he was pointing a gun at Sam and Nat.  

"Bucky," Steve said, his throat hoarse and sore. Bucky's head turned slightly; he was listening. "I need you to come and cut these bindings off my wrists." Bucky seemed to waver. "Bucky, Sam isn't a threat to you or me. Now I need you to come and cut these bindings off and let Sam have a look at me." The firm tone seemed to do what all of Sam's entreaties couldn't. Bucky holstered the gun, pulled out the knife and knelt down to do something to the cuffs holding Steve's arms behind his back. They fell off with a clang, their lock broken, and Steve let out a small moan of pain as his arms returned to their proper placement.  

Sam, keeping one eye on Bucky, knelt down on the other side of Steve. "I think I dislocated something," Steve said in a low voice, feeling like he was confessing some sort of sin.  

"I'm not surprised." Sam's mouth was one firm line as he touched Steve's shoulder, so gently that it tickled more than anything.  

"Nat, can you go and talk to Wanda? I really don't want this Hydra ship attached to us anymore." Nat, who had been hovering nearby, looking unsure of what she could do to help, nodded and head out, ignoring the dead bodies she stepped over on the way. "Bucky, what happened?" Steve asked, trying to distract himself from whatever Sam was doing. The smell of blood was almost overpowering and Steve really wished he could lie down without everything in his body screaming at him.  

Bucky didn't look at him and he didn't speak, instead choosing to watch what Sam was doing like a hawk. Steve looked down with a frown, wondering what Bucky was seeing, and, quick as a flash, Bucky's hand was holding Sam's wrist.  

"Hey, Bucky, I need that hand," Sam said. His voice was calm and firm, but there was a hint of fear in it as well and it made Steve wonder. When he looked at Bucky, he was looking back at Steve. His eyes were still blank, but more watchful than murderous right now.  

"How's he going to help me when you're holding his wrist?" Steve asked. He was starting to feel a little loopy, a mixture of adrenaline and endorphins running through his body. "I think we need to get to the medical room." He really wanted to lie down somewhere without any blood or dead bodies.  

"If Bucky helps, I might be able to manage it," Sam said. Before he could even ask, Bucky was pulling Steve gently to his feet and supporting him all along the way, avoiding the obvious wounds on his back. The pain still came over him, making Steve take a deep breath and pray he wouldn't throw up. "Steve, you alright?"  

"Let's just go before I pass out," Steve managed to say. He wasn't entirely sure how they managed to get to the medical room, it all felt like a horrible, pain-filled dream and he wasn't entirely sure he hadn't passed out for half of it and Bucky had carried him part of the way. "This is much nicer than the floor," Steve said as he was put on his side in the bed. Bucky stood like a sentry at the top of the bed and kept flicking his gaze between Sam bustling around the room, Steve and the door.  

"First things first, the shoulder," Sam said. Everything dissolved into a haze of pain after that, between putting the shoulder back in its socket, disinfecting the burn wounds on his back and wrapping everything up so Steve resembled an old-fashioned mummy more than anything else. Sam was sweating, partly out of hard work and partly due to Bucky threatening him every time Steve so much as winced, and Steve wanted to sleep for the next three days. Instead, he held a hand out for Bucky to take (he did) and then turned to look at Sam. "What happened to Bucky?"  

"When Rumlow was doing - when he was hurting you, Bucky went really funny." Sam started to clear up the packets and spare bandages slowly as he explained. "His eyes went really blank and then the soldiers got real nervous. Next thing I know, he's bursting out of the restraints they have him in and slaughtering the lot of them. Maybe Bucky can explain when he comes out of whatever this is."  

Steve looked up at Bucky. "You going to stay here now?" There was no response from Bucky, no words or even a nod, but he squeezed Steve's hand tighter. "Good."  

"I know you're not speaking at the moment but just dial the radio on the deck if Steve or you need me," Sam said to Bucky, only to get a blank stare in return. "Alright then. Steve, those painkillers are going to kick in very soon so you will fall asleep."  

"I hope you're alright in there, Bucky," Steve said as soon as Sam left. "I hope you're not worried because I'm fine." Although it must have looked horrendous to all three of them. Steve was only glad Wanda had been spared from seeing that. "You'll stay here right?" Darkness started to creep onto the edges of Steve's vision and he started to slur his words. Another squeeze of his hand. "Good."  

 

"Hey sailor," Nat said as soon as Steve opened his eyes again. Bucky was sitting on a chair right by Steve's head, while Nat was standing near the end of the bed, just out of arm's reach of Bucky.  

"You are far more pleasant than Rumlow to wake up to," Steve said and Nat grinned at him.  

"Wow, you charmer. I don't think I have ever been told a better compliment in my life."  

Steve chuckled and then blinked. "Why doesn't anything hurt?" After all the injuries he had received in the last few days, he would have expected not being able to talk without hurting something. His hand was still being held by Bucky and he could feel that perfectly well but there wasn't any pain in his back. There was a minor ache over his stomach where Rumlow had jammed the weapon in but even that was disppaiting.  

"Helen Cho is a genius," Nat said. Steve raised his eyebrows.  

"I'm going to need more." 

"Long story short,  _Insight_ dealt with their Hydra ship, our Hydra ship, we dealt with our tag-along and then Helen Cho came on board with some of the medicine she used on you last time. It helped to speed up the serum's processes and the healing. So you did about three weeks of healing in about three hours. Not helped by idiot here who didn't want Helen Cho anywhere near you. She said it was because the last time he had seen her, you were being hurt, but it made it very difficult for her to help you." Nat rolled her eyes at Bucky but he didn't react at all, merely shifted his position so he was fractionally closer to Steve.  

Everything felt clearer to Steve, better than it had been when he was healthy actually. He was whole and complete, no blank spots in his mind at all. Steve took a deep breath and ran through everything he knew about Bucky, making sure it was all there. The good, the bad and everything in between.  

Steve sat up in bed, ignoring Nat and Bucky's aborted gestures to help and twisted himself around to face Bucky. With slow and steady hands, Steve reached up and pulled off Bucky's mask. Bucky allowed it, something Steve was sure anyone else would lost a hand for, and just looked at him.  

"Your name is James Buchanan Barnes but I've always called you Bucky," Steve said softly. He ignored Nat gaping out of the corner of her eye to focus on Bucky as he came back to himself. His eyes softened and the corners of his mouth tilted up in the habitual smile Steve remembered seeing on Bucky countless times before.  

"You remember me," Bucky breathed, looking at Steve like he was the entire universe in one man. Steve remembered that look, remembered how terrified it had made him when he felt like he could never live up to it and remembered the years without it. Steve would rip Hydra apart brick by brick to stop them coming after Bucky but right now, he was going to enjoy having Bucky whole and himself underneath his hands.  

He pressed their foreheads together. "Of course I do."  

Sam clattered into the hospital room, closely followed by Helen Cho. Steve detached himself from Bucky but didn't go far. "What's going on?"  

"Steve's remembered Bucky although I'm not sure how," Nat said from where she had retreated to the corner of her room.  

"I think it's something to do with the serum. It sped up my healing, including whatever Hydra did to my brain. No more block, all my memories came back." Steve thought for a moment. "Maybe the electrocution helped a little as well."  

"Yeah, well, even if it did, I'm not going to be thanking Rumlow anytime soon," Bucky said, the accent from childhood flaring up and making Steve smile goofily at him.  

"I'm happy for you guys." Sam seemed sincere and his smile was genuine until Steve smiled back and then it turned wicked. "And I'm glad you remembered just in time because Tony has heard about the battle and wants to come see everyone, including our newest crew member."  

Steve felt like he should groan but really he couldn't wait to see what Tony and Bucky made of each other. "This Tony is your friend?" Bucky asked, looking confused.  

"Sort of," Steve replied. "He talks a lot but is a good guy underneath all the obnoxiousness."  

"He grows on you," Nat added. Bucky, rather than looking settled, looked more alarmed instead.  

"Hey, when did you start talking again, Bucky?" Sam asked in a casual tone that fooled no one as he did Steve's vitals.  

Buck looked down at the bed and where he and Steve were still holding hands. "Hydra did this thing where the Winter Soldier went away and came out when required. There's a part of my brain which is locked to me and that's where it came from. Rumlow thought it could only be activated by Control back at Hydra."  

"Well, thankfully for Steve, Nat and me, that isn't the case." Sam's smile was kind and Bucky even managed a small one back. Nat looked understanding, more than Steve would have liked and made him question the Red Room's methods again, and Helen looked like she wanted to get inside Bucky's brain and see what made him tick.  

"Am I good to go?" Steve asked as Sam finished and received a nod in return. "We still connected to the  _Insight_?" Another nod and Steve turned to Bucky. "Come on, I need to go and see Fury to thank him plus you can see the ship under nicer circumstances. I know you loved machines." Steve smiled to himself as he said this, feeling the knowledge of Bucky Barnes as he did so.  

Judging by the smile on Bucky's face, he was feeling something similar. "Yeah, let's go." A pause. "Punk."  

"Jerk." Never had Steve been so happy to insult Bucky. He grinned and pulled his friend out of the medical room. There was a whole universe for the two of them to explore and it would start with the  _America_.  


End file.
